The Financial Crisis...Simplified

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Translator For George W., Rudy Giuliani, and Barbara Bush .

This is all you need to know to understand their entire agenda.

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Steven Colbert Fills In

Surprised to see my byline here, aren’t you? I would be too, if I read The New York Times. But I don’t. So I’ll just have to take your word that this was published. Frankly, I prefer emoticons to the written word, and if you disagree :(

I’d like to thank Maureen Dowd for permitting/begging me to write her column today. As I type this, she’s watching from an overstuffed divan, petting her prize Abyssinian and sipping a Dirty Cosmotinijito. Which reminds me: Before I get started, I have to take care of one other bit of business:

Bad things are happening in countries you shouldn’t have to think about. It’s all George Bush’s fault, the vice president is Satan, and God is gay.

There. Now I’ve written Frank Rich’s column too.

So why I am writing Miss Dowd’s column today? Simple. Because I believe the 2008 election, unlike all previous elections, is important. And a lot of Americans feel confused about the current crop of presidential candidates.

For instance, Hillary Clinton. I can’t remember if I’m supposed to be scared of her so Democrats will think they should nominate her when she’s actually easy to beat, or if I’m supposed to be scared of her because she’s legitimately scary.

Or Rudy Giuliani. I can’t remember if I’m supposed to support him because he’s the one who can beat Hillary if she gets nominated, or if I’m supposed to support him because he’s legitimately scary.

And Fred Thompson. In my opinion “Law & Order” never sufficiently explained why the Manhattan D.A. had an accent like an Appalachian catfish wrestler.

Well, suddenly an option is looming on the horizon. And I don’t mean Al Gore (though he’s a world-class loomer). First of all, I don’t think Nobel Prizes should go to people I was seated next to at the Emmys. Second, winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don’t need to care about science, literature or peace.

While my hat is not presently in the ring, I should also point out that it is not on my head. So where’s that hat? (Hint: John McCain was seen passing one at a gas station to fuel up the Straight Talk Express.)

Others point to my new bestseller, “I Am America (And So Can You!)” noting that many candidates test the waters with a book first. Just look at Barack Obama, John Edwards or O. J. Simpson.

Look at the moral guidance I offer. On faith: “After Jesus was born, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up.” On gender: “The sooner we accept the basic differences between men and women, the sooner we can stop arguing about it and start having sex.” On race: “While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.” On the elderly: “They look like lizards.”

Our nation is at a Fork in the Road. Some say we should go Left; some say go Right. I say, “Doesn’t this thing have a reverse gear?” Let’s back this country up to a time before there were forks in the road — or even roads. Or forks, for that matter. I want to return to a simpler America where we ate our meat off the end of a sharpened stick.

Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run, and I hear your clamor. I share Americans’ nostalgia for an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut of his jib, but the jib industry hadn’t yet fled to Guangdong. And I don’t intend to tease you for weeks the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his supporters raised $30 million, he would run for president. I would run for 15 million. Cash.

Nevertheless, I am not ready to announce yet — even though it’s clear that the voters are desperate for a white, male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting alternative.

What do I offer? Hope for the common man. Because I am not the Anointed or the Inevitable. I am just an Average Joe like you — if you have a TV show.

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Top 20 Dumbest Republican Quotes

TOP 20 ALL-TIME STUPID REPUBLICAN QUOTES

20. The implication that there was something wrong with the war plan is amusing." --Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, on criticism of his management of the Iraq war

19. If you’ve seen one city slum, you’ve seen them all.-- Spiro Agnew

18. A good many things creep around in the dark besides Santa Claus.--" Herbert Hoover, US President

17."I like the color red because it's a fire. And I see myself as always being on fire." --California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

16. Capital punishment is our way of demonstrating the sanctity of life."-- Orrin Hatch

15. It’s like the neighborhood I would have grown up in, I think, if I had have grown up here." --Alan Keyes, on the Chicago neighborhood he chose to rent in after moving to the state to run for the U.S. Senate

14. If you think the United States has stood still, who would have built the largest shopping center in the world?-- Richard M. Nixon

13. It may come as a shock to you who live out in the real world, but occasionally we do something up here. Not often, I admit, but sometimes. For example, I think the House has passed National Peach Month so far this year and we expect to act on it soon." --Senate Majority Leader (and Presidential candidate) Robert Dole of Kansas in 1982

12."If Lincoln were alive today, he'd be turning over in his grave.—Gerald Ford (on Nixon and Watergate)

11.The Democrats just want to ram it down my ear with a victory---George Herbert Walker Bush

10. Any lady who is first lady likes being first lady. They may say they don’t like but from my experience I know they like it.-- Richard Nixon

9. Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?" --Sen. Rick Santorum

8.These are not bad people. All they are concerned about is to see that their sweet little girls are not required to sit in school alongside some big overgrown Negroes. President Eisenhower commenting on racial segregationalists after the Brown vs. Board of Ed decision.

7. "For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three nonfatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable, and we're going to do something about it" --President George W. Bush

6. The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But I didn't live in this century." Vice President Dan Quayle

5. "President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale."--Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, testifying before Congress
(Quick! Somebody phone Al Gonzalez and tell him there were no phones or electricity during the Washington and Lincoln administrations)

4. I feel the best way to ensure Americans' freedom is to tighten restrictions on that freedom in any way possible. Only through wiretaps, illegal searches and seizures, unfettered government intrusion, a controlled media and a complete crackdown on free speech can we ensure the liberties of all people." -- Attorney General John Ashcroft

3. I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger

2. "What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is."- Vice President Dan Quayle

1. Hmmm, uhh, hah -- ummm -- I, the answer is -- I haven't really thought of it that way, heh, heh. Heh. Here's how I think of it. Ummm -- heh heh. First I've heard of that, by the way, I, ah -- uhh -- the, uhh -- I, I guess I'm more of a practical fella. Uhh. I vowed after September the 11th that I would do everything I could to protect the American people. And, uhh -- my attitude, of course, was affected by the attacks.ha ha ...ummm Let me see... I knew we were at a war. I knew that the enemy, obviously, had to be sophisticated, and lethal, to fly hijacked airplanes, uhh, into -- facilities that would, we would, killing thousands of people, innocent people, doin' nothing, just sittin' there goin' to work."--President George W Bush, after being asked if the war in Iraq and the rise of terrorism are signs of the apocalypse

These quotes are just my own subjective opinion of stupidity, and if you have stupider quotes by all means step forward and we’ll have a stupid quotes duel to the death.

By the way I tried to include a diverse sample of Republican quotes, but I had to place a 2 quote limit on Dan Qualye, and George W. Bush or else they would have swept the entire top 20.

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