Friday, May 27, 2011

Struggle for Mastery Submerged in Goo and Treadmills for Shrimp.

As Memorial day approaches, it's somehow comforting to know that our troops may be sacrficing their food-stamp qualifiying pay to ensure the well-being of decapod crustaceans, and   that the sticky residue of self-congratulatory goo that normally remains in the world of metaphor is allowed to manifest and show itself for what it really is.

I mean, I don't know about you, but lately, I've noticed something happening lately: a definite increase in what I call "Triton Driving Welfare Shrimp Queens" (Oh, you didn't know lazy shrimp pilot luxury submersibles fully loaded with leather seating and full air conditioning? Well, guess what? It's as real as Reagan's Cadillac driving welfare queens.). That is, flabby, pathetically out-of-shape, twinkie-crumb-covered entitled shrimp who would rather lounge lazily on their salty shelled sofa beds, watching the Jersey shore, than doing what shrimp are supposed to do: get off their collective asses and WORK-OUT! It really has become quite a problem.

But, don't you worry, the National Science Foundation, having the “gold-standard approach to peer review” for the projects they spend money on is not letting this this fundamental, earth-shattering problem get buried under less important issues. Nosiree! Our tax-dollars are working hard trying to rehabilitate these good-for nothing, sofa-bed-shrimp. How? You ask. Well, by providing shrimp treadmills, of course!

Now, some of you may be asking yourself [I know I did], what about those people in the Anartica who want to struggle for mastery submerged in goo?

Well, good question. Once again, our tax dollars are seeing to it that these lovely people will not be denied their jello. Never let it be said that  American government  ignores the jello-loving, ice-dwelling Anarticans. They will wallow in nothing but the best


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